Ever thought about what it would be like if Ken and Barbie did the nasty? Well, the squeaky sound of plastic bump upon plastic bump emanated from Paris Hilton's LA mansion last month, while she was apparently getting jiggy with bladder-hoofing soccer tart Cristiano Ronaldo. Here are some other gruesome twosomes that have made us park our breakfasts over the years...
She's the thirsty soul yawper who rarely appears to be on first-name terms with personal hygiene. He's the pimply ex-jailbird whose scummy trilby must reek like a burning tyre. Yep, we're talking about Amy Winehouse and Blake Fielder-Civil, of course. Yuck! Please, Wino, find a man who's a little more clean cut – or even just clean – next time...
Tongues clicked when celebrity shouter Lulu admitted to some boom-bang-a-bang with soap rent-a-hunk Stuart Manning, three decades her junior, in 2002. "It's just a bit of fun", Lulu protested at the time, before telling Closer magazine that she owed her youthful looks to "good food, good exercise, a good hairdresser and lots of good sex". It's enough to give you the dry boak.
News of the World readers the length and breadth of the nation spat out their Pop Tarts when it was alleged that Steve Coogan – otherwise known as Alan Partridge – had impregnated rock horror Courtney Love. The two of them promptly denied making the beast with two backs, but the image of the Hole frontwoman making Coogan go "ah-haa!" is indelibly etched on our minds forever.
Dating women half his age has never worked out for Sir Macca Thumbsaloft McCartney. Marrying musicians has never proven to be a smart move for big-knickered rom-com squinter Renée Zellweger. Thankfully their string of dates was a brief one, and to date there is little evidence that the two of them performed a literal misinterpretation of Come Together. Phew.
Nowadays he's a buffed-up hunk fit for the flesh-filled pages of Cosmo, but Gareth Gates was still in weedy wolverine mode when Jordan snared him for an evening of hide-the-sausage in her boudoir. If that wasn't grim enough, Katie P's look-at-me potboiler went into depth on how her inexperienced young lover had ripped his foreskin during this sordid roll among her pink pillows. Weurgh...
Another tale from our Pandora's box of knicker-dropping tabloid horror is about Lampooned Spice Mel B getting up the duff with the spawn of Eddie Murphy. As soon as she announced her pregnancy, Eddie chose to dump her via a TV interview and only admitted he was the daddy after a court-ordered DNA test. "The less said about the Beverly Hills C*ck, the better," Mel has been heard to mutter.
The union of batty Broadway battler Liza Minnelli and melty-faced marvel David Gest was one that made us stare, rub our eyes, and then stare some more. Still, it was only 18 months until allegations of husband-beating, turps-nudging, gold-digging and meal-poisoning started flying... along with the suggestion that one of them had given the other the clap. Nooooo!
In the mood for lurve? You won't be when we've given you the mental image of charmless motormouth James Corden dry-humping away at charmless motormouth Lily Allen. The two of them dated for a short period in 2008, but it didn't last. Hardly surprising, as there can't be a duvet big enough to tuck in themselves as well as their egos.
"No, no, no no!" If only a 26-year-old Celine Dion had used this celebrated lyric when her manager of the previous 13 years, René Angélil, got down on one knee. Instead, the biggest chin in power balladry let out a resounding "Oui!" and took her ageing lover's hand in marriage. She also took some other parts of his anatomy, and had his son, René-Charles, in 2001. Blech.